Bliss Love

Here I am going to explain some things about my opinions on young autism and the effects it has on children early on in life. I have this feeling for example where when I sense distress I turn neurodivergent and I try to look the other way and stay busy doing something else. When I was about 7 years old, I had a visit to the doctor with my parents and they wanted to diagnose me with ADHD but couldn’t come to an agreement with the doctor. The doctor gave them a sheet choice test and mother said yes on all the factors of “yes I have ADHD” and my father said no on all the factors of “no I do not have ADHD.” This is just one aspect of my life where they wasted my youth and both the doctor and my parents never came to a full conclusion and wasted my time. This is just one example of how our own people fail us in America. When growing up I had lots of creativity. The first day of kindergarten I actually cried and didn’t even want to go in. I struggled many times early on and this is when I started getting exposed to outside music and I never felt well acquaintanted. In Elementary school no one really included me in many activities. I actually never even wanted to go to school. Imagine what life would have been like now if you listened to your child’s feelings and went on to do what they wanted to do. By now we would have been as advanced as other professional countries and economies. This is funny to me now because no one really was attentive about this critical feeling I had. Looking back at it now I was always naturally driven and a lot of my environment as a kid seemed unnatural. So while everyone was playing as kids in the sandbox and running around doing kid stuff I was already looking for a girlfriend. Everyone just behaved like they had their own space already, already knew what they wanted, already acting all grown and not to mention was different than I. I was always very confused and bored. Why was I looking for a girlfriend? Well honestly when I was that young I just wanted someone to talk to, someone to love, but I had no idea where it would lead me but I knew enough to have a girlfriend, and to have a girlfriend meant to me to treat her right in every way and inevitably grow together with her. When I got older I experienced my first elementary love at 14. On to 1st grade and I was missing my mother. 1st grade I also experienced domestic verbal abuse violence between my father and my mom at the moment when I would be getting picked up from school. I never quite fit in with children I had no interest. This is probably because I had already experienced trauma with my father with finding his porn under his bed and being shamed. He would tell me “I will never forgive you” and that I would being going to jail. I was about 4 years old.” So I had this onset very uncomfortable trauma throughout my childhood after that moment. I am 24 years old now, I’ve made lots of money had tons of jobs and experiences. Met the love of my life but I couldn’t stay because I fell deeply into sadness and unfortunately I’ve hit another rock bottom after saving up $4350 and spending 75% of it on food instead of taking care of her like my table. This is unlike who I am and I feel like this is likely due to something I call possession depression. This is an occurrence that happens in my opinion when a neurodivergent individual makes a critical decision and trusts in their own actions but is severely affected by the damaged task at hand or by living with a narcissist and you have to eggshell. Now a days, people in America avoid each other and play mind games on each other to get ahead of each other but those people won’t be getting too far because they have their own Karmic debt on the way. This is an example of an autistic thought at this moment in my life. When someone cannot accept your feelings for what they are and decides not to believe in it. I had my first girlfriend I was happy, in love, curating music that made me feel alive. However I felt this gloom of judgment on me and when we first had sex before I began I got an intrusive thought and I hadn’t know where it had come from. I kept having sex and held her tightly. Although in the bathroom when we decided to change together and go to the pool to enjoy our day, I looked in the mirror with her and I felt like I didn’t want to look at myself for some reason. I felt maybe funny but guilty. I had mixed emotions but some emotions weren’t really even mine. The intrusive thought I had had to do with my own life from my past where I would travel to places around the world with my mom’s fiancé. It was a name I was giving myself at the moment to be funny like I was going to say I’m a young dolphin…. I could show you a story movie about it now from the 50’s. I had a picture of myself as a kid posing and holding a dolphin in the water from when I went to the Bahamas. However I guess I had this feeling from probably the music I was to experience would be something outside of myself and was just not meant to be in my head and messed up a lot of peoples lives. Backtrack to when we were in the bathroom and I’m getting ready to have sex with her from behind. She gets ready for me and I feel like she has no desire for me. I was 3 years younger so I just wanted something a bit more passionate. I put it in the wrong hole at first and poked a little bit inside her but not much sex happened there. I got kind of irritated because she made me feel super awkward, like here you are in my clean room and home and you don’t even want to fuck me what’s your problem. lol. I also felt like the vibe was off because I had the door open and my mother was sleeping in her room. It was a strange first occurrence but it was funny I’ll admit. I really just wanted to feel love. We went to the jacuzzi that day and I still had this gloomy cloud over me in my head. It’s like she didn’t really see what I was going through. I felt heartbroken and felt like I was falling apart as we got baptized in the jacuzzi water. This was a perfect time to make love to her but I still felt like I wasn’t fully opening up because I didn’t understand why I had so much gloom from the moment I began having sex with her. To be honest, there was nothing to be afraid of… just to talk things out and be honest with each other about why and how we could be feeling. We sat in the jacuzzi for a while and she asked me if I wanted to do it right here and I said no. I wanted to have sex I just felt like her desire for me dwindled after that 2nd encounter in the bathroom as well as I felt like I was in need of mental health support because I was drowning mentally. I now realize she did still love me I just was so in my head with sadness of messing up a perfect moment and it was all catching up to me. We ended the jacuzzi stay with me holding her close to me and we took a picture together so we could remember how much we loved each other. I felt lots of mixed emotions after that and even fell into this feeling I once felt like what if I am just experiencing something profound. There is a part in this experience I had experienced domestic coercion intimidation tactics from my fathers phone when I sat down on the couch and was going to watch kpop with my girlfriend. I looked at her after seeing a explicit picture and she was like I don’t know that’s not my phone. Ever since then I had complex post traumatic stress disorder and I really wanted to put these people in hell for what they made me believe. I was very sad. I still get caught up trying to explain it because the odds feel like they are against me but it’s a shame when someone can’t be incentivized to procreate with someone who feels just like who you are instead of looking at women as objects. Because pieces of shit come out every day in this American society and I know this is not over. I was stunted as a child and the things these perverse fathers want were things of their own children. I’ll send you to hell then forgive you how about that. Lots of things were kept from me in secret but all secrets must come to light especially when we have to look in the mirror and see what we have. I had intentions of having 2 beautiful children. One boy and one girl. Also one of the first thoughts I had when having sex. However I didn’t execute because this world just felt much too damaged. Fast forward to where I got angry over the years for being exposed to child predators and child pornography from all over the internet on YouTube to Websites. I never even knew what a porn site was I was only watching nudity on YouTube and in elementary some older person from a higher grade saw my search history on YouTube and told me hey go watch this over here and showed me you guessed it, porn. Another stupid reason never to put your children in school, I will take zillions of dollars in reparations damages thank you very much. It would infuriate me to no end. Now backtrack to where I was watching pornography in the shower, I was never raised to not watch it. I would get angry due to all the coercion I felt. I hold in a lot of anger to this day but I do my best to heal my pain. Funny enough, there is a term now coined as CPTSD, which translates to Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, and to be quite honest with you. A life partner would have really made me a better person. Because all I really ever wanted was my wife to tell me – “Babe, I need some money.” I would have gotten things from the ends and the beginnings of the universe and brought it to you so fast. I already had some dreams of my own but they were operating subconsciously in the background and I just never had payed attention because I wanted to grow in love so bad. I felt like I was tested but I couldn’t seem to understand why she had gotten the same car as my dad when all I ever felt was pain growing up. I made an unwise decision one night when she picked me up and we were looking at a Chic-fil-a restaurant and we looked at each other in love, but for some reason I had an intrusive thought that told me this was going to be sad. I told her where to drive and I was so heartbroken telling her where to go but she didn’t know where she was at. So I told her where to drive and we drove around literally. We came right back to where we were at at Chic-fil-a and I was like I think that’s enough. Even then I felt pain in my heart because I wanted her to be able to dream for herself but I didn’t really know how to feel because all I ever felt was rejection. It hurts for me to say it but I basically rejected her by not having fun with her, like going to the beach at night and playing her my favorite DJ music but it’s like she had no interest in me and I felt terribly sad. I mean she drove hours to see me and this was all I could have done to make her happy I mean shame on myself. I continued to stay focused on my music but to no end I was always sad. I never got to party with her, I never got to be her designated driver for Prom, and I never got to see her grow up and now she’s getting older. If i could blame someone I would blame this country for how it made me feel, I was grateful for my tools and toys but I was really damaged from school and revolting regretful and neglectful people. 

As of now, I have dreams of making a festival with cars and music.

I can’t wait to –